Rethinking Forgiveness
On my left wrist, I have a tattoo that reads “forgive everyone.” I got it when I was 18 during my freshmen year of college after a difficult childhood (and adolescence) that I just wanted to forget. I hoped it would serve as a reminder, a visual cue, to myself that I could be redeemed. Be someone different. Make amends with my past.
At 34, I no longer believe in forgiveness.
I have no plan to get the tattoo removed- I find it interesting to imagine my tattoos as symbols or landmarks from different eras in my life, even if I no longer like them- but I certainly do not value forgiveness anymore.
Culturally, the concept of forgiveness cannot be separated from Christianity and, whether or not you believe in God, your perception of forgiveness is, no doubt, steeped in Christian rhetoric.
In my experience, both navigating my interpersonal relationships and in my role as a therapist, I find that forgiveness is used in various ways to obscure one’s connection to themselves, their rage, violence, consequences & accountability, and deeper experiences of intimacy.
And I frequently observe that forgiveness is used as a performance of goodness. Unquestionably informed by Christian “Godliness”, posturing as a “good” person means proving that you can see “goodness” in others, despite their behavior. This is “being the bigger person,” in action.
I also often see forgiveness used as a tool of conflict avoidance. If you forgive someone, especially quickly, then things can go back to “normal” and no one has to sincerely acknowledge the discomfort that comes with being in conflict, with having done wrong or from being wronged, and this also extends to experiences of harm and/or abuse.
Worse, forgiveness can be used to deflect from abuse and instead make repair (and “moving on”) more important than addressing the impacts of abuse, on the survivor and their community, or creating consequences which are an essential way to show abusers their behavior will not be tolerated.
And of course, forgiveness is used to coerce survivors of abuse and sexual violence to sympathize with their abuser or rapist and generally acts as a tool to enable and embolden abusers and rapists. Because what are the consequences for abusing if the cultural expectation is unconditional forgiveness for abusers?
I do not believe in forgiveness, as we know it.
Alternatively, I like to ask myself and my therapy clients, these questions that I think address the actual goal of forgiveness without all the baggage.
#1 WHAT ARE YOU STILL CARRYING?
Typically, when people are “working on forgiveness,” part of what they’re hoping to do is transform the felt sense of whatever they’re experiencing. The heavy heart, the anxiety, the grief, the anger, the negative self-talk, etc. This includes identifying how it all shows up in their day-to-day life. Reflecting on this question allows people to get clear about what is still lingering that needs to be attended to.
This might look like, “I’m still feeling frustrated about how things ended with my ex. I resent the feeling that I was misunderstood and it makes me feel angry that there were no consequences for how they behaved. This shows up in my life when I get angry at new partners or friends for things that I relate to my ex, even though they didn’t necessarily do what she did. But it reminds me of her.”
#2 WHAT ARE YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR?
In any given situation or relationship there are things we did to co-create the dynamic or outcome. When we’re activated/triggered/dysregulated, it’s easy to find ourselves in a state of self-victimization, wherein we perceive ourselves as totally right and the other person as totally wrong. Unfortunately, life and community are not so simple. Approaching this question with curiosity allows you to get clear on your role, which reinstates a sense of autonomy, even if that also means recognizing where you may have fucked up.
This might look like, “when I reflect on things, I’m responsible for not being clear about my boundaries. I would often tell myself I was going to hold a boundary but wouldn’t because it felt difficult to be confrontational. And sometimes I engaged in conflict in a way that wasn’t aligned with who I am or want to be, like being passive aggressive.”
#3 WHAT NEGATIVE BELEFS DO YOU CARRY ABOUT YOURSELF?
We internalize everything we experience, whether it’s personal or not. Being aware of how we make meaning out of things is so important, not only to identify the stories we tell ourselves about specific situations, but also to zoom out and reflect on the larger narratives we carry.
This might look like, “this breakup made me feel unimportant and unworthy of being cared for. Like it’s easy to abandon me. When I zoom out, I also recognize how this relates to early experiences with romance/intimacy and my relationship with my dad. It’s a deep, negative core belief and that’s why it feels so intense.”
#4 HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL INSTEAD?
After moving through the first three reflections where you’re illuminating what’s left over, you can shift into what you want to feel instead and what you need to do to make that happen.
This might look like, “I want to remind myself that I can be firm in my own boundaries and that doing that will make me feel safe. I know I’m lovable and amazing and I have a lot of relationships and experiences that can remind when I need it. But I do still feel frustrated, so I need to move my body or go to a rage room to move through that feeling.”
